Ewan Hill

reasons I can't kill myself today


1. I still have books out from the library

2. my dog loves me more than tennis balls and I'm going to visit her in a couple months

3. I don't want to be another young queer person committing suicide. that statistic
doesn't need to be bigger

4. dying is too dramatic for a Tuesday

5. someday my sister will have a baby and I have to be the cool relative who teaches them about masturbation and about major depression and how it's cruel and sharp but that life is so much more than these rough edges

6. I want to grow old. I want to know if I'm destined to turn into my mother.

7. my mother

8. my father

9. my sisters, my future wife, everyone I will ever touch with this tiny life

10. I don't believe in heaven or hell and as much as I hate this ache of existence, as fiercely as my lungs are tugging at my sleeve, begging for a break I'm not ready for an eternal void

11. I am just atoms. Just a small infinity with a chemically unbalanced brain—who am I to decide if I live or die?

12. I would never again feel the wind’s wanting breath flicker through the sunroof of my car on a melting August night as the radio whispers some kind of magic. I would never have another kiss. tongues in each other's cheeks, elbows and knees strung together in that dancing-in-the-dark kind of puppet jungle. I would never laugh again, never feel that toe-scrunching, muscle-flaring, breath-cracking, hula-hooping rumble of joy kicking in my center.

and 13. this moment of body splitting open, of insides spilling into own orbit, of spark grating against bones, this moment will end

so 14. I already have 13 reasons not to kill myself and on the days when my mind scrapes against the grain of the universe, I will only need one.

Ewan Hill is a queer poet / tiny, glittery llama living in Northampton, MA. They work in a children’s library where they smile at babies and make sticky picture books less sticky. Ewan has featured and won slams in Bellingham, WA and Northampton, MA, and they have most recently performed in Paris, France. They enjoy learning, teaching, their complex life as a mammal, and speaking French poorly. Poetry makes them smile.