The Jokes Are All In My Head
Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllll YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOO CRAZYYYYYYYYY. LOL.
You be snapping out ---You be popping off --- You be showing yo whole ass. You be this close to the line and when you jump over? Sheyyyyaattt
its like seeing an anvalanche undress! You know what they say about car accidents--- You have to watch even if you don’t want to. its human. Its morbid curiosity. No one expects you to get out the car and see if you can help, that shit would be CRAZY. LOL.
Straight up MADNESS! Shit is INSANE! Shit is wild, like you. Wild as fuck--- Just like that. Just like you be acting. You be good one minute – Then one little thing --- And BAM. It’s fun to see for real its fireworks being launched in a cubicle. Like WTF is even happening? Ya know? I mean, I be feeling like you sometimes. I be feeling Bi Polar.
And so how do I explain I am sick, when it helps me make friends? When it gets me admirers? When they say: You are so brave you aren’t afraid of anything. How do I say this is what scares me the most? When I am half-naked in the bar and have flirted with everyone at least twice. How do I say it’s nothing personal? When it is personal. Very personal. So personal, i cant describe it to a stranger ( no matter what else i have described to the strangers). How do I gain control over a whole room full of people, and not be able to control myself? That it is not something they can feel that it’snot an emotion you can turn off at will? It is not theirs to joke about. I already know exactly what they would say:
LOLGiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrl youuuu so crazzzzzyyyyyyyyy.
When I was younger it was cute tho --------- She is smart they said. She is so creative. She has so much charisma. What a imagination! She has such presence. You can’t keep your eyes off her. Like watching a doll in a be-jeweled box, you don’t wonder if she is tired, Ya know? I mean you’re just to preoccupied watching her dance. And then I got older and it got worse. And by worse I mean better. And by better I mean I am social butterfly and folks like me. I mean im damned near an avenger. It’s ok if I can’t stop myself from being the life of the party, the first girl to throw a punch, the first girl to offer
a wink. I mean it’s ok if there are times when I can’t leave the house. Times when I think I have used up all my smiles or worse---wasted them. Times when I hear words like moderation and balance and my brain becomes a question mark, Really I don’t think most people see the difference in me and any other stereotype that has been made for black woman. I am loud and sexualized and aggressive and this is to be expected. Ya know? What I really mean to say is: it is easiest to pass when you don’t consider it a curse . There are days I am sure I can take over the world. And days I am sure I can take nothing else.
I am a cool kid. I can out drink you. I can out smoke you. I can out fuck you. Look at me go
I’m going. It’s not quietly. But I am going and I am taking me down with me. And everyone will be there, to see if I make it out of me alive.
Siaara Freeman is a 26 year old slytherin from Cleveland, Ohio.
She has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize, Best Of The net and best New Poets 2016. She is a button poetry chapbook finalist. Founder of online journal Wusgood.black for POC from urban environments. Editor at Tinderbox magazine. She loves poetry, like she loves to eat, often, especially when it is good. Poetry helps her eat with touring and prizes she is grateful. In her spare time she is trying to grow her afro so tall god mistakes it for a microphone and speaks into her.